spent my whole life thinking:
that i was going to b something
that i would make a change in the world for the better.

im 17 years young and my life is almost @ an end

what have i accomplished?
nothing

i started this blog so i could help ppl out thier
the lonely
the sad
the empty
the forgotten
i have helped no one

i have made no change

(this was in my draft box... im 18 now...and still nothing)

wish it all away

this feeling
it makes me want to pull my hair out
the feeling of nausea comes over me again, i sit and wait,
bell rings, once, twice,
im still in the same stall as before
i decide to write something in the wall

next day

im in the stall puking my guts out. i look up from the toilet seat.
some one has responded to my note
""wish it all away"
is says
"if only it was that simple" i write
i get up, the stall door swinging shut behind me.
wash up in the sink look my self in the mirror. looking at a pail messy me.
"wish it all away",i tell my reflection.
i get out and go to class

next day
traces of blood in my vomit again ,
meds not working as good as they used to
dr. says their isn't anything stronger available yet.
look up
i c some one has written back again
"isn't it?" it says
i don't know how to respond.
i scribble out my first 3 words
"not that easy"
i re-wite
"not that easy, this isn't a fairy tail. wishes don't really come true" i cap my sharpie and storm out of the stall
look my self in the mirror
im a mess
"y am i angry?" i ask my self
iim not angry at the commenter
im not angry that wishes don't come true
i don't understand
splash my face with water
rinse out my mouth
go back to class as if nothing happened

next day

avoid same stole
look around with one with paper
find my self going back to my stall.
the feeling comes over me again
stronger
red vomit spurts out of my mouth.
the horrid feeling , it Burns
wipe my mouth
look up as every thing gets spiny
" then what will you do?"
im about to pass out
it processes in my mind sec before i hit the tile floor

wake up as ppl scream "shes dead!!" they run away
my body feels so heave
i try to sit up and let the feeling pass
i here pp talking out side the restroom
"not her again"
"i don't want to go in their"
"she dead yet?"

i close my eyes with all my strength get up.
it all feels so fuzzy and spinney
write in the wall "live"

check my watch
3rd periods almost over.
look @ my self in the mirror. wipe off all the blood
a pink Whirlpool of water drains out.

leave restroom like nothing has happend

whiterabbit says

"wer all conected by a redstring of fait tieing us all together from the heart,no matter the distence or how faraway."

not i,not i, but the blind man who sang it

we all like to play pretend
to become something wer not, but so despritly want to b
wer do we get the idea of what it is we think we r to b?
we sometimes cant tell wen wer playing, from when wer hiding, from hiding, to wen wer living our lifes
pretend is like a defence r brain puts up
to mask us from what we c as a threat
what would we subcontiosly ,uncontiously want to protect r selves from?
those questions my friends, r quiet a puzzle
but as i walk down the crowded streets of LA, every one who passes by me has a mask on thier head,
shielding thier faces
thier all playing pretend
i c heads of; ducks, horses, piggs, sheeps ,dogs, donkeys and a few wolf, walking by
i c a wolf with a sheep driving by.
every one wants to b someone else.
looking @ the newly decerated x-mas window of a gap store, i c my self with a white rabbit head.
i guess im also playing pretend :)

as i wait for the metro i hear a blind man sing a song of redemtion.
he has nothing to hide
he bangs his drums as he sings words of life into abse of the subway
not hiding his beutiful hazy silver eyes.
or the deep scar that runs threw them
in my head i c him with wings
n he can fly
as he sings his song of life.

my vision comes to a hult as the strong wind of a metro hits my face. i quikly get on being bushed by sheep, cows and a horse.
i yelld out a verse from the song
all masks ternd to me
and i sang
"not i not i but the blind man who sang it~" :)

"im late im late im terably late for tea"~whiterabbit

what alice found

curious little thing she was.
her eyes wer filed with adventure. she looked high and low for me.
she wounderd out 0f my view.
for a split secend i thought she had come to relize just how hard this game would b
but this alice failed to amuse me
a twit she was
asking randome strangers about me
what she found was not i
but the crazy hair who was passing by
poor girl thought she had stumbled into wounderland
unawear
that the hair
was not i
but some one who also sought to find me.
the crazy hair and the little alice wer so intranced by the thought of having found me
little did alice relize his intentions of finding me wernt so nice
so down down little alice went
chasing the cazy hair down a roud that did not lead to wounderland
to wer?
i do not knw
but having to save her was a real bother
so to those alices out thier
im still waiting to b found
dont look for the real me
that will get u knw wer but lost
what u seek is the Whiterabbit
what will u do once u have found me?
the red queen sees all!
so b safe little alices
wen u deside to look for me, trust no one!
i will b close by so do not fear
the cloue remains the same but a time limit is from noon to dinner time
"im late, im late , im terable late for tea" -whiterabbit

let the game biggen

the clue to my location u seek
look for me
what will u c
i am wer "Angels" say to take "Flight"
i will b thier every 7th day of the week for a porfornance
in the "Cort" with dancing water
their isnt much time
so would u come find me?
"im late im terable late for tea"~whiterabbit

i have lost

something of mine has been lost in wounderland
if i will ever c it again i will never knw T^T
it made me feel normal
like i was still part of society
my pocket feels so empty and lonly with out it.
my means of comunication has been lost,or tooken, or stolen
im not mad that they took my fone :(
it means nothing to me
what does have value r the # & photos. memories i want to charis. i wold never want to lose that. i dont think anyone would :(