i find my self....no, not my self
i find my body rebelling agents me
as if its pushing me away
i have to try , i have to focus hard enough to keep my feet planted on the ground, am i not strong enough?

im not sure i can win this battle
this war is log gone
i knw i sound stupid for giving up so easily
but the pain, both physically n mentally
is consuming me in a rapid rait
school is over
i made it past my hs years
im fortunate to have made it this far
but , what next?

is there anyone out their?

eh~

my mind is in another place.....wher was it at before that made it change :/
eh~
sometimes i feel eh~
hard to explain...
my chest feels tight
my body feels heavy
but i have to do something
or i think ill explode
so i runn
i runn as fast as i can
but i dont seam to go anywhere...
have u ever felt like that?
like ur tring so hard to get somewher but u end up not moving
so u try 2x as hard n get further then u wer before then geting anywher?
but then i think......if it takes me trying hard to stay wer im at
and 2x as hard to go back
if i do nothing will i go ahead?
but life doesnt work like that :/

or does it?
if i dont do anything im not running...y was i running in the first place?
oh thats right!
cuz ill explode...but y would i explode ...cuz my body goes haywhire
it something i cant cantrol
i have to move
i have to stop the feeling

but if i run 2x n go back n run hard i stay wer i am then how do i stop if i dont run i go further then wher i was...hoow do i stop?
is stoping wher i want to b ?

sorry im rambeling
@,@

thez r things i think about wen i cant sleep

to sick to go out and play
as a child that was the excuse my caretakers would tell kids in my neighborhood who wanted to play with me
i liked going out out side
i liked looking up at the sky
feeling so small in the big world
i would tell my self i would go explore it all one day
but
im to sick to go out n play
im to sick to make it out of bed

someone once told me limitations wher only in the mind
what limits me from leaving the safty of my home?
thos mental limitations?
those fears?

isnt that what stops us all from doing what we want?
r u all to sick to go out n play?

i want to get out of bed,
i want to strech out my arms to the sky

but im to sick to go out n play

bla

Haven't posted in a long time....
so here i go

The part I loved the most about my body...was my boobs....
yes was
now i look at my chest n c stitches going down to the center between my lovely breasts :(
now i like nothing about my body :(
but all my scars tell a story
like the one in my nee
wen i tried to b normal n skateboard...ended up falling haha
or the one in my forearm : from wen i wanted to clime a tree...failed..i lack upper body strength -,-


the scar in my heart..from wen they opened me up in order to extend my time, eh~
what ive been up to lately?
making friends :3
but i let some go , for ther own good...even if they dont knw it yet :)

@,@

my sister has confronted me about my health today
i knw it was coming
the "i already eat" excuse could only last me for so long.
it was hard enough looking and acting healthy
but having to tell her
" it hurts"
was so pain full for me..not physically,
having to c her face wen i said "it hurt"
her face twisted up into a ball of pain
i could tell she was trying to hold back tears
my sister is strong
but im enough to break her

she paused for a good 3 min not looking at me
i suspect she was trying to compose her self
mean while i was shaking, my knees felt wably like i would calaps again
so sat down and looked at my hands
clenching them in to fist, i sat up strait and tried my best not to frighten her

"how long ,..how long has this been going on for" she said barley above a whisper
"at first it was just the loss of apitight...its normal..so i forced my self to eat..but i couldn't"
what do you mean u couldn't?" she looked up at me then, questioning why something so simple as picking up a spoon and bringing it to my mouth was so hard
its hard to explain, its like a stabbing burning pain slowly passing threw me, the feelings so bad that i guess my mind stops me from having to go threw that agin...so i don't eat, but i have to ..so i force my self"
"OH GOSH~! THERS OTHER WAYS! U CAN B FEED THREW THE MASHIN AGAIN! Y DO U PUT UR BODY THREW THIS!" she yelled getting up from her seat

i dint want to have to do what i did next

"im calling the hospital, where going to put u in the tube"

THE TUBE is a thick plastic y cold sick tasting tube, thats slid down inside ones thought force feeding.
i hate it
that would have solved nothing

so i hurt her again
"it's not necessary ill eat! i don't need it. im not that pathetic! im still a human being!" i was angry i was hurting i lashed out at my sister...all she wanted to do was help
she looked at me..she really looked at me
and she started to cry
i don't knw if she realized when it started
but tears where running down her cheeks
she just stood ther
phone in hand
my sister looked 14
and i remembered wen i was 9.
my sister is so strong
all her life she's been looking out for me

my sister is trying to b a dr....wen ppl ask her y .
.she gives the a bright smile
"i want to b the one to cure her"

my sister has no social life
its me school work me

im the worst
ive taken her life
my sister is beautiful
she's lovely
but because of me she has not been able to live her life
its about time she does

"y don't u get ur self a life and stop worrying about mine!!" i yelled i wasn't thinking clearly
my sister drooped the phone and sprinted to me
She slapped me hard across the face hard.
i lost balance
and hit the floor hard
took her 4 sec to realize what just happened

in those 4 sec i planked out
passed out

i woke up n i was attached to the iv...and the tube...
my sister was waiting right next to me

again holding my hand
wen r eyes met
She quickly cleared her tears and looked away .

she was going to say something
i stopped her
"im sorry" is what i said
but the tube made it sound like "piory"
"i love u sis"
was "uloses"

she looked hurt n confused

i took of the tube
it hurt so bad
she tried to stop me but i tugged at it so fast that what i said next was right in her face
"IM SORRY!! IM SO SORRY!! I LOVE U! IT WOUSENT UR FAULT!! IT WAS MINE!"

my sister jumped back
and held her ears

she looked at me and smiled that warm beautiful smile of hers
"i knw...i understood u. i was going to say me to"
:)

i love my sister, she can gets me..sometimes
but when she does my heart feels warm

im sorry i took away ur time
i knw ill leave u soon..i want to make sure thers some one to hold u when i cant anymore

:) love ur dearest sister
the whiterabbit

dreams

i was never one to dream
i would be the type of person to stay up all night so i wouldn't fall into dream land
i like it fine in wonderland :l
sure i love sleep
i love my self a good long power nap in the afternoon ,when the sun warms my body as i lay comfortably in a soft field of grass.
but sleep....
sleeping more then 2 hr is dangerous for me @,@
no, not for my weary health
no ,not because im scared i might never wake up :l

i wish not to dream these horrid dreams
but alas i can not choose when i will have a nice dream,
one where i find my self in bliss not wanting to wake up
but wen i do , i find my self to b lucky i didn't find my self in the land of dreams
i haven't had a dream like that in the longest

the land of dreams is a dark, hazy territory
in this place it seams i am not welcomed
i am not liked

for when i drift in to the land of dreams
i have horrible nightmares
horrible visions of my former life's
i envision things that i my self have not gone threw but it seams my soul has
i have seen my self in the point of death many times in those nightmares, what some may call dreams

i have been in a gas chamber gassed to death along side my mother and many other dark haired women.
i have been hunted and drowned in a dark murky lake
i've been left to b slaughtered
i have been hunted by a man in a room wer a bathtub full of blood flows.
i have been molested
i have been raped
i have been kidnapped
this is what happens in the end of dreams
i c my death coming
i never experience it

where i, the inhabitant of wonderland, am not welcomed.

so you see i try my best not to be caught in the webs of the Land of Dream

so when i pass out
when i black out
when i have my attacks and faint
im trapped
im trapped in the Land of Dreams
sometimes im able to go directly in to wonderland
but im stuck in between the land of dreams and wonderland.
i stand on the border line of life and death

some one once told me.."life is but a dream"
will we ever wake up?
"im late im late im terribly late for tea~"- whiterabbit