i find my self....no, not my self
i find my body rebelling agents me
as if its pushing me away
i have to try , i have to focus hard enough to keep my feet planted on the ground, am i not strong enough?

im not sure i can win this battle
this war is log gone
i knw i sound stupid for giving up so easily
but the pain, both physically n mentally
is consuming me in a rapid rait
school is over
i made it past my hs years
im fortunate to have made it this far
but , what next?

is there anyone out their?

eh~

my mind is in another place.....wher was it at before that made it change :/
eh~
sometimes i feel eh~
hard to explain...
my chest feels tight
my body feels heavy
but i have to do something
or i think ill explode
so i runn
i runn as fast as i can
but i dont seam to go anywhere...
have u ever felt like that?
like ur tring so hard to get somewher but u end up not moving
so u try 2x as hard n get further then u wer before then geting anywher?
but then i think......if it takes me trying hard to stay wer im at
and 2x as hard to go back
if i do nothing will i go ahead?
but life doesnt work like that :/

or does it?
if i dont do anything im not running...y was i running in the first place?
oh thats right!
cuz ill explode...but y would i explode ...cuz my body goes haywhire
it something i cant cantrol
i have to move
i have to stop the feeling

but if i run 2x n go back n run hard i stay wer i am then how do i stop if i dont run i go further then wher i was...hoow do i stop?
is stoping wher i want to b ?

sorry im rambeling
@,@

thez r things i think about wen i cant sleep

to sick to go out and play
as a child that was the excuse my caretakers would tell kids in my neighborhood who wanted to play with me
i liked going out out side
i liked looking up at the sky
feeling so small in the big world
i would tell my self i would go explore it all one day
but
im to sick to go out n play
im to sick to make it out of bed

someone once told me limitations wher only in the mind
what limits me from leaving the safty of my home?
thos mental limitations?
those fears?

isnt that what stops us all from doing what we want?
r u all to sick to go out n play?

i want to get out of bed,
i want to strech out my arms to the sky

but im to sick to go out n play

bla

Haven't posted in a long time....
so here i go

The part I loved the most about my body...was my boobs....
yes was
now i look at my chest n c stitches going down to the center between my lovely breasts :(
now i like nothing about my body :(
but all my scars tell a story
like the one in my nee
wen i tried to b normal n skateboard...ended up falling haha
or the one in my forearm : from wen i wanted to clime a tree...failed..i lack upper body strength -,-


the scar in my heart..from wen they opened me up in order to extend my time, eh~
what ive been up to lately?
making friends :3
but i let some go , for ther own good...even if they dont knw it yet :)

@,@

my sister has confronted me about my health today
i knw it was coming
the "i already eat" excuse could only last me for so long.
it was hard enough looking and acting healthy
but having to tell her
" it hurts"
was so pain full for me..not physically,
having to c her face wen i said "it hurt"
her face twisted up into a ball of pain
i could tell she was trying to hold back tears
my sister is strong
but im enough to break her

she paused for a good 3 min not looking at me
i suspect she was trying to compose her self
mean while i was shaking, my knees felt wably like i would calaps again
so sat down and looked at my hands
clenching them in to fist, i sat up strait and tried my best not to frighten her

"how long ,..how long has this been going on for" she said barley above a whisper
"at first it was just the loss of apitight...its normal..so i forced my self to eat..but i couldn't"
what do you mean u couldn't?" she looked up at me then, questioning why something so simple as picking up a spoon and bringing it to my mouth was so hard
its hard to explain, its like a stabbing burning pain slowly passing threw me, the feelings so bad that i guess my mind stops me from having to go threw that agin...so i don't eat, but i have to ..so i force my self"
"OH GOSH~! THERS OTHER WAYS! U CAN B FEED THREW THE MASHIN AGAIN! Y DO U PUT UR BODY THREW THIS!" she yelled getting up from her seat

i dint want to have to do what i did next

"im calling the hospital, where going to put u in the tube"

THE TUBE is a thick plastic y cold sick tasting tube, thats slid down inside ones thought force feeding.
i hate it
that would have solved nothing

so i hurt her again
"it's not necessary ill eat! i don't need it. im not that pathetic! im still a human being!" i was angry i was hurting i lashed out at my sister...all she wanted to do was help
she looked at me..she really looked at me
and she started to cry
i don't knw if she realized when it started
but tears where running down her cheeks
she just stood ther
phone in hand
my sister looked 14
and i remembered wen i was 9.
my sister is so strong
all her life she's been looking out for me

my sister is trying to b a dr....wen ppl ask her y .
.she gives the a bright smile
"i want to b the one to cure her"

my sister has no social life
its me school work me

im the worst
ive taken her life
my sister is beautiful
she's lovely
but because of me she has not been able to live her life
its about time she does

"y don't u get ur self a life and stop worrying about mine!!" i yelled i wasn't thinking clearly
my sister drooped the phone and sprinted to me
She slapped me hard across the face hard.
i lost balance
and hit the floor hard
took her 4 sec to realize what just happened

in those 4 sec i planked out
passed out

i woke up n i was attached to the iv...and the tube...
my sister was waiting right next to me

again holding my hand
wen r eyes met
She quickly cleared her tears and looked away .

she was going to say something
i stopped her
"im sorry" is what i said
but the tube made it sound like "piory"
"i love u sis"
was "uloses"

she looked hurt n confused

i took of the tube
it hurt so bad
she tried to stop me but i tugged at it so fast that what i said next was right in her face
"IM SORRY!! IM SO SORRY!! I LOVE U! IT WOUSENT UR FAULT!! IT WAS MINE!"

my sister jumped back
and held her ears

she looked at me and smiled that warm beautiful smile of hers
"i knw...i understood u. i was going to say me to"
:)

i love my sister, she can gets me..sometimes
but when she does my heart feels warm

im sorry i took away ur time
i knw ill leave u soon..i want to make sure thers some one to hold u when i cant anymore

:) love ur dearest sister
the whiterabbit

dreams

i was never one to dream
i would be the type of person to stay up all night so i wouldn't fall into dream land
i like it fine in wonderland :l
sure i love sleep
i love my self a good long power nap in the afternoon ,when the sun warms my body as i lay comfortably in a soft field of grass.
but sleep....
sleeping more then 2 hr is dangerous for me @,@
no, not for my weary health
no ,not because im scared i might never wake up :l

i wish not to dream these horrid dreams
but alas i can not choose when i will have a nice dream,
one where i find my self in bliss not wanting to wake up
but wen i do , i find my self to b lucky i didn't find my self in the land of dreams
i haven't had a dream like that in the longest

the land of dreams is a dark, hazy territory
in this place it seams i am not welcomed
i am not liked

for when i drift in to the land of dreams
i have horrible nightmares
horrible visions of my former life's
i envision things that i my self have not gone threw but it seams my soul has
i have seen my self in the point of death many times in those nightmares, what some may call dreams

i have been in a gas chamber gassed to death along side my mother and many other dark haired women.
i have been hunted and drowned in a dark murky lake
i've been left to b slaughtered
i have been hunted by a man in a room wer a bathtub full of blood flows.
i have been molested
i have been raped
i have been kidnapped
this is what happens in the end of dreams
i c my death coming
i never experience it

where i, the inhabitant of wonderland, am not welcomed.

so you see i try my best not to be caught in the webs of the Land of Dream

so when i pass out
when i black out
when i have my attacks and faint
im trapped
im trapped in the Land of Dreams
sometimes im able to go directly in to wonderland
but im stuck in between the land of dreams and wonderland.
i stand on the border line of life and death

some one once told me.."life is but a dream"
will we ever wake up?
"im late im late im terribly late for tea~"- whiterabbit

as one awakes

you have to think about this
i mean really put ur mind to what im going to say

every 5 sec some one dies
every 3 sec some one is born
if there is 86 400 seconds in a day...wer sure as hell lucky to b alive

math was never my strong point but google knws all so 86,400 seconds divided by 5 = 17280
so around 17280 ppl die a day
and 86 400 seconds divided by 3= 28800
so around 28800 ppl are born a day

i my self wonder how were all still here

it seams like many black butterflies have been coming in and out of wonderland
one of then took my friends soul a wile back
and today they put his shell to rest
i was not able to attend
twiddle dumb and twiddle dee kept me from attending
so now this whiterabbit will take revenge
and u don't want to mess with some one who does not fear death :l
the soul that was taken was but 18 years new
i only knw my friend for 3 months
but in those three months i had a friend :)
a friend that i was determined to save
but sadly i was not able to :(
so my friend was taken ways by a black butterfly
one day i knw well meet again one day :)
and to the twiddles :).........i will have my revenge !(。-`ω´-)

"im late im late im terablly late.. 2 KILL (。-`ω´-) 凸"~white rabbit

old post i never posted

its getting harder for me to see
its getting harder for me to function at school properly
i feel like as if my body is slowly wearing down
loosing gas
loseing modavation
i get so weak sometimes

:l

"wen we think all is gone and lost
new things come are way
they cloud r judgement
and let us dream away "~white rabbit

still kicking

i lay here thinking
im still here kicking

there was no use convincing the girls mother
she wouldn't cooperate
the girl had a secure
and died

i dint even knw that was possible
my chance at life....gone

but im satisfied

pathetic isn't it

what do u think, ppl of wonderland?


~whitrabbit

heart downer

a girl around my age with the same blood type and the same race was pronounced brain dead2 hr ago
she was hit by a car walking home from school tragic isn't it?
the doctor told her mother about me
how her heart would be of great use for me
how she would save a life
the mother said no
"saving someone else's child and leaving urs to die!! how could u ask this of me dr." the Dr. says the women was hysterical
the dr. told me "she still thinks her daughter has a chance"
the dr. explained to her many times that the probability of her daughter waking up was 1/1000
even if she did wake up shed b a vegetable
the lady wouldn't hear of it

its raining in wonderland
it just wont stop

im in the hospital again
i stayed out in the rain 4 to long yesterday trying to watch the winter solstice
i have the iv pulling on me.

the Dr. says he will try to convince the mother
but that time is limited
i my self want to convince her to save my life
haha
because i want to live
its actually the first time ive ever said this
i want to live
haha
...
dosnt sound right coming from me

i builded up all my strength to go talk to the mother
so i could personally convince her
wen i got to the room i found my mother their
on her knees begging that girls mother to give me her heart
my mother cried and begging the women to save me

the girls mother looked at my mother with a blank stare
she wasn't really their
she lolled her head to her daughter
all bruised and cut. and cried letting her tears drip out of her face
my mother still continued to beg for my life..

i walked back to my room . the nurse was waiting for me
she pricked me with needles and took my blood.
i looked away
and sobbed
" come now it didn't hurt that much" the nurse said stomping away

my mommy loves me T^T
i feel like im 5 today
i just want to cry and cry and let my mommy hold me and tell me its all going to b ok
that is all aright
that ill b ok
i knw i wont
but just having her say that
having her hold me
makes me feel like i can get better

i want to b 5 again

haha i remember what was written on the bathroom stall
"wish it away"
i wish i was 5
i wish i didn't have this pain
i wish i can live
i wish before i die,...to make sure i tell my mommy how much i love her
to tell her it will b ok
to hold her and tell her ill b ok
that every thing will b alright
to not have any regrets and to see me off with a smile
im sorry mommy but i don't think i can hold on much longer
but this isnt a fairy tail
this isnt pretend
wonderland is slowly closing its doors
-whiterabbit

XD

haha would this happen if u found me?

spent my whole life thinking:
that i was going to b something
that i would make a change in the world for the better.

im 17 years young and my life is almost @ an end

what have i accomplished?
nothing

i started this blog so i could help ppl out thier
the lonely
the sad
the empty
the forgotten
i have helped no one

i have made no change

(this was in my draft box... im 18 now...and still nothing)

wish it all away

this feeling
it makes me want to pull my hair out
the feeling of nausea comes over me again, i sit and wait,
bell rings, once, twice,
im still in the same stall as before
i decide to write something in the wall

next day

im in the stall puking my guts out. i look up from the toilet seat.
some one has responded to my note
""wish it all away"
is says
"if only it was that simple" i write
i get up, the stall door swinging shut behind me.
wash up in the sink look my self in the mirror. looking at a pail messy me.
"wish it all away",i tell my reflection.
i get out and go to class

next day
traces of blood in my vomit again ,
meds not working as good as they used to
dr. says their isn't anything stronger available yet.
look up
i c some one has written back again
"isn't it?" it says
i don't know how to respond.
i scribble out my first 3 words
"not that easy"
i re-wite
"not that easy, this isn't a fairy tail. wishes don't really come true" i cap my sharpie and storm out of the stall
look my self in the mirror
im a mess
"y am i angry?" i ask my self
iim not angry at the commenter
im not angry that wishes don't come true
i don't understand
splash my face with water
rinse out my mouth
go back to class as if nothing happened

next day

avoid same stole
look around with one with paper
find my self going back to my stall.
the feeling comes over me again
stronger
red vomit spurts out of my mouth.
the horrid feeling , it Burns
wipe my mouth
look up as every thing gets spiny
" then what will you do?"
im about to pass out
it processes in my mind sec before i hit the tile floor

wake up as ppl scream "shes dead!!" they run away
my body feels so heave
i try to sit up and let the feeling pass
i here pp talking out side the restroom
"not her again"
"i don't want to go in their"
"she dead yet?"

i close my eyes with all my strength get up.
it all feels so fuzzy and spinney
write in the wall "live"

check my watch
3rd periods almost over.
look @ my self in the mirror. wipe off all the blood
a pink Whirlpool of water drains out.

leave restroom like nothing has happend

whiterabbit says

"wer all conected by a redstring of fait tieing us all together from the heart,no matter the distence or how faraway."

not i,not i, but the blind man who sang it

we all like to play pretend
to become something wer not, but so despritly want to b
wer do we get the idea of what it is we think we r to b?
we sometimes cant tell wen wer playing, from when wer hiding, from hiding, to wen wer living our lifes
pretend is like a defence r brain puts up
to mask us from what we c as a threat
what would we subcontiosly ,uncontiously want to protect r selves from?
those questions my friends, r quiet a puzzle
but as i walk down the crowded streets of LA, every one who passes by me has a mask on thier head,
shielding thier faces
thier all playing pretend
i c heads of; ducks, horses, piggs, sheeps ,dogs, donkeys and a few wolf, walking by
i c a wolf with a sheep driving by.
every one wants to b someone else.
looking @ the newly decerated x-mas window of a gap store, i c my self with a white rabbit head.
i guess im also playing pretend :)

as i wait for the metro i hear a blind man sing a song of redemtion.
he has nothing to hide
he bangs his drums as he sings words of life into abse of the subway
not hiding his beutiful hazy silver eyes.
or the deep scar that runs threw them
in my head i c him with wings
n he can fly
as he sings his song of life.

my vision comes to a hult as the strong wind of a metro hits my face. i quikly get on being bushed by sheep, cows and a horse.
i yelld out a verse from the song
all masks ternd to me
and i sang
"not i not i but the blind man who sang it~" :)

"im late im late im terably late for tea"~whiterabbit

what alice found

curious little thing she was.
her eyes wer filed with adventure. she looked high and low for me.
she wounderd out 0f my view.
for a split secend i thought she had come to relize just how hard this game would b
but this alice failed to amuse me
a twit she was
asking randome strangers about me
what she found was not i
but the crazy hair who was passing by
poor girl thought she had stumbled into wounderland
unawear
that the hair
was not i
but some one who also sought to find me.
the crazy hair and the little alice wer so intranced by the thought of having found me
little did alice relize his intentions of finding me wernt so nice
so down down little alice went
chasing the cazy hair down a roud that did not lead to wounderland
to wer?
i do not knw
but having to save her was a real bother
so to those alices out thier
im still waiting to b found
dont look for the real me
that will get u knw wer but lost
what u seek is the Whiterabbit
what will u do once u have found me?
the red queen sees all!
so b safe little alices
wen u deside to look for me, trust no one!
i will b close by so do not fear
the cloue remains the same but a time limit is from noon to dinner time
"im late, im late , im terable late for tea" -whiterabbit

let the game biggen

the clue to my location u seek
look for me
what will u c
i am wer "Angels" say to take "Flight"
i will b thier every 7th day of the week for a porfornance
in the "Cort" with dancing water
their isnt much time
so would u come find me?
"im late im terable late for tea"~whiterabbit

i have lost

something of mine has been lost in wounderland
if i will ever c it again i will never knw T^T
it made me feel normal
like i was still part of society
my pocket feels so empty and lonly with out it.
my means of comunication has been lost,or tooken, or stolen
im not mad that they took my fone :(
it means nothing to me
what does have value r the # & photos. memories i want to charis. i wold never want to lose that. i dont think anyone would :(