i dont mind :)

i don't mind walking in the rain
i don't mind the sweet sounds as the rain drops gently hit my uncovered skin.
it makes me feel alive.
on rainy days i like taking my time to get home. i take a different way home.
where no one can tell ur crying cuz it'll just look like rain.
where in the distance, miles away , u can see the clouds in thier many shades of white and gray.
where if ur lucky,
a rainbow brightens up your day
days like this make me feel alive
they seam to take my mind off the pain :)
i guess ill miss walking home on thez days.

i want to feel truly alive one day
before i feel nothing
and slowly pass away

im alive?

i was in the red zone for 3 weeks..
i couldn't leave that dam hospital..
I'm getting tired of thus
is it rely worth it?
i saw so much in those 3w weeks
they felt like years
at one point the Dr said i was in a coma
my organs stopped functioning for 3.4 min.
I'm peeing purple
i was dead!!
but I'm alive?
death felt much better
it was like if a wait was taken off my shoulders
i woke up kicking
i was tyring to catch my self
it hurt so much
when i was younger the Dr said death wouldn't hurt
that it would take me and surround me like a blanket...he never told me what it was like to come back
he never said the blanket was the darkest feeling you could feel
i felt so alone
like it took a little peace of me
like my freedom of choice wasn't mine
it took what made me human
the feeling was so unbearable
it felt like a pouch in the gut that knocked me off my feet
i woke up kicking trying to catch my self
i was in the same hospital bed, the same painting on the wall ,the same feeling of hopelessness.
the white walls that surrounded me seamed to b trapping me.
i chocked on the tube in my mouth . the nurses came in after i had knocked down the iv
i didn't understand what was going on i thought i was still dead
i was shaking and i sadly pooped my self...it was purple.
the nurses had to restrain me
the Dr came in and told me to settle down that it was alright
that god had had me in his arms but gave me back
bull!!
that was no god
that was no heaven
i was no where
empty darkness with shadows
their is no god!!
only darkness!!
they pronounced me dead August 4, 2010 at 6:14 pm
I'm still alive but i feel more dead.
i came back 6 min later i was alive again...if their is a god
he has a sick sense of hummer

hahahah
i found my self laughing in the mirror as i vomited blood
the winds are very strong lately
yesterday our power went of .so did the whole neighborhood
i found the gate to our house open
i had an attack and since im grounded i couldn't use my phone to call for help
i was on the floor for 2 Hr before my mom came in and called the ambulance
u think she'd b used to it by nw
That she wouldn't panic and act all mature and do what needs to be done..
my moms not like that
but i cant blame her
if i wer to b in her shoes.. i would be suffering more
Having to see daughter daughter like that in mid death..it scares a mother....
Hell it would scare any one..
when i was younger and the attacks wer not as saber i had a moment wher i could see my self on the floor trying to gasp for air as my mom broke down in front of me
she was as still as stone she was just steering at me
But not really staring at me..her eyes told me she was in another world.
I tried my hardest to stay calm even thou my chest was hurting so bad.
my mom didn't move
my sister , at this time she was 12 and i was 9, had to call for help
Since then my mother dosnt really want much to do with me.

So yesterday when I had an attack what dos she do?
she looked from my red stained shirt to the toilet covered with my blood and starts shaking.....and i just said one word and she ran away
i said "mom"
reaching for her.. she slammed the door and she ran away and called the ambulance
she was siting against the door repeating "im sorry baby im sorry"...the ambulance also took my mom away...
Shes gana stay in the hospital .
i dont hate my mother..i just wish she could b strong and face me.. i dont want to live with regrets and i dont want my mother to have any 'should haves' wen im gone...mom im ready to die..im just waiting for you to face me and let my red string go

i call this one "we all have to let go"

missing you

is it selfish to say i miss u?
you said only 5 minuets.....its been more then 5 minutes..and u haven't opened your eyes yet.
you lie still as ur bodies warmth grows colder.
its been more then 5 minutes and u won't wake up.
my memories are canvases, some of the memories fading as i grow..some blank for the ones that have been wiped out , meant to be forgotten and some are new for the new memories that are waiting
its been more then 5 minutes and u still are sleeping,
its been more then 5 months and I've come to forget what you sound like..its fading in my head, i can still remember what you said to me..and i play it back over and over in my head,
its been more then 5 months
"let me sleep for 5 minutes OK, wake me up after 5 minutes..." you said
"only if u promise you'll wake up" i said
"love you" you said as you fell dreamt away
your such a lier
its been more then 5 minutes
and you haven't woken up yet..

forgoten

is it bad to not finish a story cuz u dont want to find out the ending?
cuz ur scared of how it might end
cuz ur scared that the story will end and it'll leave you empty again?
cuz i might disappointed in how it ends?. cuz wher always wishing for happy endings and my heart akes wen i find out itds not or they leave you guessing.. is it bad to not finish your own story becuze youve forgotten who you wright for ?
for what purpose..?


i call this one fading memory of the light

dark

i asked my Dr. along time ago if it would be painful wen i die,he looked at me and smiled saying that it would be painful to lose such a cute pationt... that wen i expired it would not hurt,so i should not fear it. it would not make a sound so i should not wait for it, just that it will fall over me like a thine blanket one day and leave my body cold and stiff. i would tern pail then a little green and blue . that my spirit would one day come back to earth in another shell and i could live life again.
i asked him when it would come,
he said its best to not know.
now that im older and know when i will expire i think it was best to b in the dark. the dark was better then this agany of waiting....the dark is better hen escaping

black butterfly's

my teacher won't believe me when i say ,there are black butterfly's around 'wonderland'..but she says that's not possible, that in wonderland black butterfly's" don't come.or exist .its not their type of place."....so she gave me detention..
is it so wrong to open ignorant eyes? to tell them what you have to squint to see?..i see black butterfly's all the time.. they fly right by my eyes..they fly around my friend..she wont believe me ether.. but my grandma, in peace may she rest ,believed me ..she says ppl close there mind to what they don't want to exist or see. my grandma had lots of black butterfly's around her...so did HE. but around wonderland there seams to be less and less of them coming...not like last month when they where every where. my grandma once said that I'm able to see them since I'm so close to death...black butterfly's exist, you just have to open your eyes and squint real hard to See them.