im alive?

i was in the red zone for 3 weeks..
i couldn't leave that dam hospital..
I'm getting tired of thus
is it rely worth it?
i saw so much in those 3w weeks
they felt like years
at one point the Dr said i was in a coma
my organs stopped functioning for 3.4 min.
I'm peeing purple
i was dead!!
but I'm alive?
death felt much better
it was like if a wait was taken off my shoulders
i woke up kicking
i was tyring to catch my self
it hurt so much
when i was younger the Dr said death wouldn't hurt
that it would take me and surround me like a blanket...he never told me what it was like to come back
he never said the blanket was the darkest feeling you could feel
i felt so alone
like it took a little peace of me
like my freedom of choice wasn't mine
it took what made me human
the feeling was so unbearable
it felt like a pouch in the gut that knocked me off my feet
i woke up kicking trying to catch my self
i was in the same hospital bed, the same painting on the wall ,the same feeling of hopelessness.
the white walls that surrounded me seamed to b trapping me.
i chocked on the tube in my mouth . the nurses came in after i had knocked down the iv
i didn't understand what was going on i thought i was still dead
i was shaking and i sadly pooped my self...it was purple.
the nurses had to restrain me
the Dr came in and told me to settle down that it was alright
that god had had me in his arms but gave me back
bull!!
that was no god
that was no heaven
i was no where
empty darkness with shadows
their is no god!!
only darkness!!
they pronounced me dead August 4, 2010 at 6:14 pm
I'm still alive but i feel more dead.
i came back 6 min later i was alive again...if their is a god
he has a sick sense of hummer

dam

found my self in the hospital again
sister said she found me passed out in the kitchen
i had an attack and hit my head on the sink
i have a huuggeee bump in the side of my head
the nurse said i have to get more x rays done ....my hands broken....idk htf that happend -,- im typing with my left hand ...like a boss

-.-

this lady told me that Jesus would find me....i dint have the heart to Tell her i don't belive..hah..heart....get it? hahah the one thing i need
its cold in here and the dam machine wont shut up!
ping-----------------------ping----------------------------------------------ping
i tried making a beat to it...still dint help i tried terning of the machine..the nurses rushed in and caught me red handed..literally
i cut my palm with the hinge of the bed.....they hesitated to go near me..they had to go for gloves..
ha

back at the hospital -.-

hate the freaken lights !
i can count 19 lights
19 before i get sent to the emergency room
19 lights that are still bright over the countles times ive been in the same situation..
19 is the time they give me to die... i wount beat 20
ironic isnt it :D
i just want the dam trail of them to end
waking up in the same room with the same pic over my head..this place is tring to be warm and friendly..it just gives me the creaps

ther was this little group of kids running around in there robes....i asked my self...do they knw ther gana die?
"im late..im teribly late for tea, the queen will have my head! im late im late" ...y does this litle girl fallow me?
is she the reaper?