hahahah
i found my self laughing in the mirror as i vomited blood
the winds are very strong lately
yesterday our power went of .so did the whole neighborhood
i found the gate to our house open
i had an attack and since im grounded i couldn't use my phone to call for help
i was on the floor for 2 Hr before my mom came in and called the ambulance
u think she'd b used to it by nw
That she wouldn't panic and act all mature and do what needs to be done..
my moms not like that
but i cant blame her
if i wer to b in her shoes.. i would be suffering more
Having to see daughter daughter like that in mid death..it scares a mother....
Hell it would scare any one..
when i was younger and the attacks wer not as saber i had a moment wher i could see my self on the floor trying to gasp for air as my mom broke down in front of me
she was as still as stone she was just steering at me
But not really staring at me..her eyes told me she was in another world.
I tried my hardest to stay calm even thou my chest was hurting so bad.
my mom didn't move
my sister , at this time she was 12 and i was 9, had to call for help
Since then my mother dosnt really want much to do with me.

So yesterday when I had an attack what dos she do?
she looked from my red stained shirt to the toilet covered with my blood and starts shaking.....and i just said one word and she ran away
i said "mom"
reaching for her.. she slammed the door and she ran away and called the ambulance
she was siting against the door repeating "im sorry baby im sorry"...the ambulance also took my mom away...
Shes gana stay in the hospital .
i dont hate my mother..i just wish she could b strong and face me.. i dont want to live with regrets and i dont want my mother to have any 'should haves' wen im gone...mom im ready to die..im just waiting for you to face me and let my red string go

i call this one "we all have to let go"

big day tomorrow..day of silence! also the day i get piked on the most..i dont really care as long as they dont start anything im fine..i dislike many ppl at school...they think that if they push me far inuf they 'll get a reaction out of me..i came back from the hospital and found out that they took out his plak...his monorail plak! i went berserk and got suspended for 3 days..lame

-.-

this lady told me that Jesus would find me....i dint have the heart to Tell her i don't belive..hah..heart....get it? hahah the one thing i need
its cold in here and the dam machine wont shut up!
ping-----------------------ping----------------------------------------------ping
i tried making a beat to it...still dint help i tried terning of the machine..the nurses rushed in and caught me red handed..literally
i cut my palm with the hinge of the bed.....they hesitated to go near me..they had to go for gloves..
ha

back at the hospital -.-

hate the freaken lights !
i can count 19 lights
19 before i get sent to the emergency room
19 lights that are still bright over the countles times ive been in the same situation..
19 is the time they give me to die... i wount beat 20
ironic isnt it :D
i just want the dam trail of them to end
waking up in the same room with the same pic over my head..this place is tring to be warm and friendly..it just gives me the creaps

ther was this little group of kids running around in there robes....i asked my self...do they knw ther gana die?
"im late..im teribly late for tea, the queen will have my head! im late im late" ...y does this litle girl fallow me?
is she the reaper?