still kicking

i lay here thinking
im still here kicking

there was no use convincing the girls mother
she wouldn't cooperate
the girl had a secure
and died

i dint even knw that was possible
my chance at life....gone

but im satisfied

pathetic isn't it

what do u think, ppl of wonderland?


~whitrabbit

heart downer

a girl around my age with the same blood type and the same race was pronounced brain dead2 hr ago
she was hit by a car walking home from school tragic isn't it?
the doctor told her mother about me
how her heart would be of great use for me
how she would save a life
the mother said no
"saving someone else's child and leaving urs to die!! how could u ask this of me dr." the Dr. says the women was hysterical
the dr. told me "she still thinks her daughter has a chance"
the dr. explained to her many times that the probability of her daughter waking up was 1/1000
even if she did wake up shed b a vegetable
the lady wouldn't hear of it

its raining in wonderland
it just wont stop

im in the hospital again
i stayed out in the rain 4 to long yesterday trying to watch the winter solstice
i have the iv pulling on me.

the Dr. says he will try to convince the mother
but that time is limited
i my self want to convince her to save my life
haha
because i want to live
its actually the first time ive ever said this
i want to live
haha
...
dosnt sound right coming from me

i builded up all my strength to go talk to the mother
so i could personally convince her
wen i got to the room i found my mother their
on her knees begging that girls mother to give me her heart
my mother cried and begging the women to save me

the girls mother looked at my mother with a blank stare
she wasn't really their
she lolled her head to her daughter
all bruised and cut. and cried letting her tears drip out of her face
my mother still continued to beg for my life..

i walked back to my room . the nurse was waiting for me
she pricked me with needles and took my blood.
i looked away
and sobbed
" come now it didn't hurt that much" the nurse said stomping away

my mommy loves me T^T
i feel like im 5 today
i just want to cry and cry and let my mommy hold me and tell me its all going to b ok
that is all aright
that ill b ok
i knw i wont
but just having her say that
having her hold me
makes me feel like i can get better

i want to b 5 again

haha i remember what was written on the bathroom stall
"wish it away"
i wish i was 5
i wish i didn't have this pain
i wish i can live
i wish before i die,...to make sure i tell my mommy how much i love her
to tell her it will b ok
to hold her and tell her ill b ok
that every thing will b alright
to not have any regrets and to see me off with a smile
im sorry mommy but i don't think i can hold on much longer
but this isnt a fairy tail
this isnt pretend
wonderland is slowly closing its doors
-whiterabbit

XD

haha would this happen if u found me?

spent my whole life thinking:
that i was going to b something
that i would make a change in the world for the better.

im 17 years young and my life is almost @ an end

what have i accomplished?
nothing

i started this blog so i could help ppl out thier
the lonely
the sad
the empty
the forgotten
i have helped no one

i have made no change

(this was in my draft box... im 18 now...and still nothing)

wish it all away

this feeling
it makes me want to pull my hair out
the feeling of nausea comes over me again, i sit and wait,
bell rings, once, twice,
im still in the same stall as before
i decide to write something in the wall

next day

im in the stall puking my guts out. i look up from the toilet seat.
some one has responded to my note
""wish it all away"
is says
"if only it was that simple" i write
i get up, the stall door swinging shut behind me.
wash up in the sink look my self in the mirror. looking at a pail messy me.
"wish it all away",i tell my reflection.
i get out and go to class

next day
traces of blood in my vomit again ,
meds not working as good as they used to
dr. says their isn't anything stronger available yet.
look up
i c some one has written back again
"isn't it?" it says
i don't know how to respond.
i scribble out my first 3 words
"not that easy"
i re-wite
"not that easy, this isn't a fairy tail. wishes don't really come true" i cap my sharpie and storm out of the stall
look my self in the mirror
im a mess
"y am i angry?" i ask my self
iim not angry at the commenter
im not angry that wishes don't come true
i don't understand
splash my face with water
rinse out my mouth
go back to class as if nothing happened

next day

avoid same stole
look around with one with paper
find my self going back to my stall.
the feeling comes over me again
stronger
red vomit spurts out of my mouth.
the horrid feeling , it Burns
wipe my mouth
look up as every thing gets spiny
" then what will you do?"
im about to pass out
it processes in my mind sec before i hit the tile floor

wake up as ppl scream "shes dead!!" they run away
my body feels so heave
i try to sit up and let the feeling pass
i here pp talking out side the restroom
"not her again"
"i don't want to go in their"
"she dead yet?"

i close my eyes with all my strength get up.
it all feels so fuzzy and spinney
write in the wall "live"

check my watch
3rd periods almost over.
look @ my self in the mirror. wipe off all the blood
a pink Whirlpool of water drains out.

leave restroom like nothing has happend

whiterabbit says

"wer all conected by a redstring of fait tieing us all together from the heart,no matter the distence or how faraway."

not i,not i, but the blind man who sang it

we all like to play pretend
to become something wer not, but so despritly want to b
wer do we get the idea of what it is we think we r to b?
we sometimes cant tell wen wer playing, from when wer hiding, from hiding, to wen wer living our lifes
pretend is like a defence r brain puts up
to mask us from what we c as a threat
what would we subcontiosly ,uncontiously want to protect r selves from?
those questions my friends, r quiet a puzzle
but as i walk down the crowded streets of LA, every one who passes by me has a mask on thier head,
shielding thier faces
thier all playing pretend
i c heads of; ducks, horses, piggs, sheeps ,dogs, donkeys and a few wolf, walking by
i c a wolf with a sheep driving by.
every one wants to b someone else.
looking @ the newly decerated x-mas window of a gap store, i c my self with a white rabbit head.
i guess im also playing pretend :)

as i wait for the metro i hear a blind man sing a song of redemtion.
he has nothing to hide
he bangs his drums as he sings words of life into abse of the subway
not hiding his beutiful hazy silver eyes.
or the deep scar that runs threw them
in my head i c him with wings
n he can fly
as he sings his song of life.

my vision comes to a hult as the strong wind of a metro hits my face. i quikly get on being bushed by sheep, cows and a horse.
i yelld out a verse from the song
all masks ternd to me
and i sang
"not i not i but the blind man who sang it~" :)

"im late im late im terably late for tea"~whiterabbit

what alice found

curious little thing she was.
her eyes wer filed with adventure. she looked high and low for me.
she wounderd out 0f my view.
for a split secend i thought she had come to relize just how hard this game would b
but this alice failed to amuse me
a twit she was
asking randome strangers about me
what she found was not i
but the crazy hair who was passing by
poor girl thought she had stumbled into wounderland
unawear
that the hair
was not i
but some one who also sought to find me.
the crazy hair and the little alice wer so intranced by the thought of having found me
little did alice relize his intentions of finding me wernt so nice
so down down little alice went
chasing the cazy hair down a roud that did not lead to wounderland
to wer?
i do not knw
but having to save her was a real bother
so to those alices out thier
im still waiting to b found
dont look for the real me
that will get u knw wer but lost
what u seek is the Whiterabbit
what will u do once u have found me?
the red queen sees all!
so b safe little alices
wen u deside to look for me, trust no one!
i will b close by so do not fear
the cloue remains the same but a time limit is from noon to dinner time
"im late, im late , im terable late for tea" -whiterabbit

let the game biggen

the clue to my location u seek
look for me
what will u c
i am wer "Angels" say to take "Flight"
i will b thier every 7th day of the week for a porfornance
in the "Cort" with dancing water
their isnt much time
so would u come find me?
"im late im terable late for tea"~whiterabbit

i have lost

something of mine has been lost in wounderland
if i will ever c it again i will never knw T^T
it made me feel normal
like i was still part of society
my pocket feels so empty and lonly with out it.
my means of comunication has been lost,or tooken, or stolen
im not mad that they took my fone :(
it means nothing to me
what does have value r the # & photos. memories i want to charis. i wold never want to lose that. i dont think anyone would :(

sunflower

i once fell in love with a boy who always smelld of sunflowers
we meet by chance in mid summer
i had wounderd into the deps of wounderland
in the woods of lost souls
he found me under the thick stem of a sunflower
he was like the sun
wen he aperd infrunt of me i had to sqwent to look up at him
he sat down infront of me. He looked me strait in the eyes and said "have u been forgoten little one? is that what goes on in ur head?"
i remember little of what he looked like. i hardly remember the exact date of wen he rescued me. i have long forgoten his name. but this boy , my first love saved me from more then being lost that day.

i remeber r second incounter
i was left alone for to long and had wounderd into wounderland by chance again
he spoted me and asked me what made me come this way
i closed my eyes ran in a ranome location spunaround and aound and wabled back to him
i remember saying "its ur smell. it reminds me of the big flower shaped like the sun."
he told me to close my eyes, that he would take me to his secret location
some wher in wounderland wer the sun would always b
he broughtg me to a fied of sunflowers overlooking all of wounderland it looked so bright and natury, but to me he was my sun making everything bright.

in our 3rd incounter he dance with me in the feild and we sang songs and laughed till sundown
wen my sun went away he never came back the next day
it rained and rained and i was stuck inside
i hured news that my sun had died that previus night
a snake had bitten him as he waited in the fields
with the nearest hospital being 3hr away he had no chance an older hair told me later that day

my first love was like a sunnyday.

lets play a game

lets play my friends
a game of fun
wher u try to find wher im coming from
i will tweet my location
that is ur destinaton
wer i will hide
a clue u will find

look for my sign


this u will find


but be care full
u may not like what u find
so what do u say my friends

would u like to come find me?

"im late,im late ,im terably late, will u come find me?"

i am the white rabbit

i am the white rabbit
i come back and forth from wounderland to ur world.
i c manythings u dont seam to notice
i run @ top speed
i get glimses of what ppls lifes r like
and then im back in wounderland
longing to b in the outside world
i once used to dream of what it would b like to b free
from the chains that bind me
but it seams the red queen of wounderland confinds me


come find me

"im late im late im terably late for t~"

sr. year

i found my self thinking
how lucky i am to b able to go to school
i meet a boy in the hospitaly a few days ago.
who told me his storys of wo:(
the same condition as me but his a little more savier

he lookes out of a window , not daring to dream, this boy is far gone...not by death , but by his own doing
hes to scared to leave that room
he doesnt want to feel the pain
or the lookes.
he just lays in his hospital bed...he is already dead.

school

fresh mans.........................................................so anoing
one pushed me down the stairs
just have to get back up and try to not fall again.
what i did?
i do not know.
what he got from pushing me?
i hi- 5 from some guys watching it happen.
what did i hear all threw the halls
"she isn't dead yet?
"y doesn't she just die already"
constant reminders of how much they don't like me
constant reminder of what little value my life holds to thees ppl

i have yet to meet some one who has looked me in the eyes, said it to my face,and walk away.
they all r cowards
sometimes in my mind
where i tend to b half the time,
i imagine a world free of color.
whee every thing is still.
where nothing makes a sound.
and i close my eyes and go away from that world
back into mine.
where all i c r colors blended together .
so many colors that my head spines, my heart raises, my eyes dilate,and i feel an attack,
i hold my self so i wont go limp
i tell my self over and over again
"no not now!not here!
breath breath! calm down dont pass out!
dont scream dont scream dont cry!
hold ur self dont bight ur lip to hard ull bleed!
hold the pain !its almost over hold hold hold!open your eyes!!"
and i find my self in my mind
in that world of silence and no colors. shutting my eyes tigth
taisting something iron-e in my mouth.
im bleeding again
open my eyes and ppl fling them selves away
biohazerd the freshman's call me................no anoing......

my rant of the day=~=

choice that alice made

life's like a battle
in a world where all everyone knows
is what they see in front of them
failing to realize
whats right between their noes

ppl r fed knowledge from machines
that never tell u all the truth

and war is something they all love
peace is but a memory of times where humanity was at its best

children cry with blood drenched faces
as the gun man shoots every one dead
"i wish this was all pretend"
the last thing u expect to hear in that guys head

war is something they love
its a faet they cant escape
or comprehend

but down, down, the rabbit whole every one goes
into the unknown darkness
blind to what is ahead.

in a world where life is war
and machines blind u from the truth..what would u choose?

Alice made her choice
and now shes dead

"im late im late!the queen will have my head!"

wanting while wating

im her alone in my mind every thing plays back and forth
wen i was young they told me wen we die we look as if wer sleeping
it was nothing but lies
to me he looked like an empty shell
a lifeless soulless body
growing colder by the second
what do i call this ?
this empty shell of my beloved?
how cant feel or shair my warmth.
his eyes lay closed but his wound lay open
the red string connecting us slowly fading away
he is not of this world any more
is he free?
with out pain?
would he remember me?
what is sertine about death?
would we disappear?

all thees thoughts in my head overwhelm me
i open my eyes and lift my head
wishing my life was but a dream

i look up from my haze
and all he while i fail to see a girl with the bluest eyes filled with curiosity and wounder, staring back at me.
but i am late late so very late!
no time to heist

it feels as if she is on my tail
every twist and tern
she is their
but she is close! close to the whole
will she proceed?
not knowing what lays ahead?
she jumps in to the unknown darkness.
what is her name?
i am late so very late!
what makes this blue eyed girl fallowe me so ?

i dont mind :)

i don't mind walking in the rain
i don't mind the sweet sounds as the rain drops gently hit my uncovered skin.
it makes me feel alive.
on rainy days i like taking my time to get home. i take a different way home.
where no one can tell ur crying cuz it'll just look like rain.
where in the distance, miles away , u can see the clouds in thier many shades of white and gray.
where if ur lucky,
a rainbow brightens up your day
days like this make me feel alive
they seam to take my mind off the pain :)
i guess ill miss walking home on thez days.

i want to feel truly alive one day
before i feel nothing
and slowly pass away

no need to fear

no need to fear
death is near
they gave me a time
the day is almost here
will i survive?
will my heart run out of power and then just stop
will i just calaps and die?
will i be in agany as i take my last couple of breaths?
the time is almost here
the day they all told me not to fear
cuz they say i might survive
but they just have lost thier minds
i feel its time
thier the ones who r reluctent to let me go
this thin worn out red string that conects us all to the heart.

im alive?

i was in the red zone for 3 weeks..
i couldn't leave that dam hospital..
I'm getting tired of thus
is it rely worth it?
i saw so much in those 3w weeks
they felt like years
at one point the Dr said i was in a coma
my organs stopped functioning for 3.4 min.
I'm peeing purple
i was dead!!
but I'm alive?
death felt much better
it was like if a wait was taken off my shoulders
i woke up kicking
i was tyring to catch my self
it hurt so much
when i was younger the Dr said death wouldn't hurt
that it would take me and surround me like a blanket...he never told me what it was like to come back
he never said the blanket was the darkest feeling you could feel
i felt so alone
like it took a little peace of me
like my freedom of choice wasn't mine
it took what made me human
the feeling was so unbearable
it felt like a pouch in the gut that knocked me off my feet
i woke up kicking trying to catch my self
i was in the same hospital bed, the same painting on the wall ,the same feeling of hopelessness.
the white walls that surrounded me seamed to b trapping me.
i chocked on the tube in my mouth . the nurses came in after i had knocked down the iv
i didn't understand what was going on i thought i was still dead
i was shaking and i sadly pooped my self...it was purple.
the nurses had to restrain me
the Dr came in and told me to settle down that it was alright
that god had had me in his arms but gave me back
bull!!
that was no god
that was no heaven
i was no where
empty darkness with shadows
their is no god!!
only darkness!!
they pronounced me dead August 4, 2010 at 6:14 pm
I'm still alive but i feel more dead.
i came back 6 min later i was alive again...if their is a god
he has a sick sense of hummer

dam

found my self in the hospital again
sister said she found me passed out in the kitchen
i had an attack and hit my head on the sink
i have a huuggeee bump in the side of my head
the nurse said i have to get more x rays done ....my hands broken....idk htf that happend -,- im typing with my left hand ...like a boss

what does it feel like to live?

what does it feel like to live?
i only knw how it feels to die right now
i cant remember how to feel alive

to feel dead is to feel as if u are above the living
as if u feel nothing at all
to feel dead feels like theirs something empty in ur chest
like a throbbing feeling in ur heart
like it will break in billions of peaces
like taking each breath slow
like ur milk between the expiration line

what does it feel like to b alive?

when i grow up

threw out my life no one ever asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up
some have but they didnt care
why would it matter
im deaing any way
why think so far ahead
thats what one of my cllass maits told me when it was my tern to stand up and present to the class what i wanted to b
but like 97% of the class
i will never b what i wanted to b
y imberis my self by actioly opening up to thez nobodes. not like if im ging to c them after this
nit like they woud actioly care
so i said i wanted to be a lowyer
do i realy? haha
no.would they knw? no
i got a B-
hahaha
what i realy want to b is a person that drives everywher and shows art to ppl from diffrent places
a moving musiam if u will.
but im going to die... so i dont have the right to believe .
thats what this chick in my class would say
fucken natzi!
but yeah

the fear is real?

why do we fear it?
is it because its so different to us?
is it because we don't knw them?
they live
they burn
they die
like us
how does that make them so different
something to fear
something unknown
they breath
they feel they knw
what makes us so different
we fear whats so smiler to us
just because were scared of them doesn't give us the right to hate them
why hate what we don't knw?
that just makes us something to fear

so my dads moving away for buissness.....i dont realy mind.. but its sent my mom into this wired state.
my dad doubts that she can take care of me so im moving in with my sister....i move out this week plz wish me luck and i wish u all out ther look as well

you would think they would look behind them and notice i wasnt in the car...
but no....im still here waiting for them to relize im not in the car with them going home.....nope ill wait her...wher ever this is...they'll remember....i hope...
its hot..i dont like hot times like this..they make me gassy...ther i said it >:P
this keeps me sain!

hahahah
i found my self laughing in the mirror as i vomited blood
the winds are very strong lately
yesterday our power went of .so did the whole neighborhood
i found the gate to our house open
i had an attack and since im grounded i couldn't use my phone to call for help
i was on the floor for 2 Hr before my mom came in and called the ambulance
u think she'd b used to it by nw
That she wouldn't panic and act all mature and do what needs to be done..
my moms not like that
but i cant blame her
if i wer to b in her shoes.. i would be suffering more
Having to see daughter daughter like that in mid death..it scares a mother....
Hell it would scare any one..
when i was younger and the attacks wer not as saber i had a moment wher i could see my self on the floor trying to gasp for air as my mom broke down in front of me
she was as still as stone she was just steering at me
But not really staring at me..her eyes told me she was in another world.
I tried my hardest to stay calm even thou my chest was hurting so bad.
my mom didn't move
my sister , at this time she was 12 and i was 9, had to call for help
Since then my mother dosnt really want much to do with me.

So yesterday when I had an attack what dos she do?
she looked from my red stained shirt to the toilet covered with my blood and starts shaking.....and i just said one word and she ran away
i said "mom"
reaching for her.. she slammed the door and she ran away and called the ambulance
she was siting against the door repeating "im sorry baby im sorry"...the ambulance also took my mom away...
Shes gana stay in the hospital .
i dont hate my mother..i just wish she could b strong and face me.. i dont want to live with regrets and i dont want my mother to have any 'should haves' wen im gone...mom im ready to die..im just waiting for you to face me and let my red string go

i call this one "we all have to let go"

big day tomorrow..day of silence! also the day i get piked on the most..i dont really care as long as they dont start anything im fine..i dislike many ppl at school...they think that if they push me far inuf they 'll get a reaction out of me..i came back from the hospital and found out that they took out his plak...his monorail plak! i went berserk and got suspended for 3 days..lame

-.-

this lady told me that Jesus would find me....i dint have the heart to Tell her i don't belive..hah..heart....get it? hahah the one thing i need
its cold in here and the dam machine wont shut up!
ping-----------------------ping----------------------------------------------ping
i tried making a beat to it...still dint help i tried terning of the machine..the nurses rushed in and caught me red handed..literally
i cut my palm with the hinge of the bed.....they hesitated to go near me..they had to go for gloves..
ha

back at the hospital -.-

hate the freaken lights !
i can count 19 lights
19 before i get sent to the emergency room
19 lights that are still bright over the countles times ive been in the same situation..
19 is the time they give me to die... i wount beat 20
ironic isnt it :D
i just want the dam trail of them to end
waking up in the same room with the same pic over my head..this place is tring to be warm and friendly..it just gives me the creaps

ther was this little group of kids running around in there robes....i asked my self...do they knw ther gana die?
"im late..im teribly late for tea, the queen will have my head! im late im late" ...y does this litle girl fallow me?
is she the reaper?

incarnation

i believe in reincarnation that our bodies are just shells . are spirits flow and find a different shell .
i think they go threw stages and stuff so one day i would be i would be reincarnated to another shell i wounder if id remember any thing?
what do u think?

lost my pants

i looked every wher for my pants but they seam to be no wher to b found..its hot in "wonderland" and i refuse to wear shorts or skirts.
oh pants wher r thaw






oh i call this one almost spring even though i took this one in the fall

time

seams that every one thinks time is something that is needed but in reality time is just a figment of are imajination
think about it.
time is just are way of knwing what point in the day we r
right nw im at point 11'29
to me "time" is just like segments of ppls life like a film that can be posed and rewind and some times even fast forwerd.

missing you

is it selfish to say i miss u?
you said only 5 minuets.....its been more then 5 minutes..and u haven't opened your eyes yet.
you lie still as ur bodies warmth grows colder.
its been more then 5 minutes and u won't wake up.
my memories are canvases, some of the memories fading as i grow..some blank for the ones that have been wiped out , meant to be forgotten and some are new for the new memories that are waiting
its been more then 5 minutes and u still are sleeping,
its been more then 5 months and I've come to forget what you sound like..its fading in my head, i can still remember what you said to me..and i play it back over and over in my head,
its been more then 5 months
"let me sleep for 5 minutes OK, wake me up after 5 minutes..." you said
"only if u promise you'll wake up" i said
"love you" you said as you fell dreamt away
your such a lier
its been more then 5 minutes
and you haven't woken up yet..

tgsrg

some of the ppl at school knw i have an expiration date.
they feel sorry for me and others just try to stay away from me.
i heard this girl call me a waist of space , asking y i even bothered to go to school if i knw i was going to expire already...
but dos every one knw there going to die..sure some may not knw when or how or how much time they have left but if u think about it, every one has there own expiration date by fate.
i was at club yesterday and this guy wouldn't even pass me the sign up sheet, apparently im not a member since i wouldn't b in it for to long....
this pissed me of.
but yeah my random blog about school.

music takes me away

its around this time i ask my self if its worth it?
i find my self going back in to the little corner of my mind and telling my self its only 2 more years...i only have 2 more years..y not just finish it now...
but then i think back ....
and every thing feels ok.. the mean stuff at school goes away, the pain gos away ,i can breath and not have an attack.
i can be in my oun island and be ok alone ..i like to make my self believe that im not ripping from the seams. fireflies- by owl city music can take u away to a better place .
i found a friend, she knws im about to expire,

im tring to find this models name she appeared in an ad for cloths in this fashion magazen called Elle
it was my first time looking at the magazene and i found my self drown to this one model she models this drees well im not in to fashion but this model has what i think models ad personality....idk how to find this models name since i just cut out her and didnt much care what she was modeling.

forgoten

is it bad to not finish a story cuz u dont want to find out the ending?
cuz ur scared of how it might end
cuz ur scared that the story will end and it'll leave you empty again?
cuz i might disappointed in how it ends?. cuz wher always wishing for happy endings and my heart akes wen i find out itds not or they leave you guessing.. is it bad to not finish your own story becuze youve forgotten who you wright for ?
for what purpose..?


i call this one fading memory of the light

dark

i asked my Dr. along time ago if it would be painful wen i die,he looked at me and smiled saying that it would be painful to lose such a cute pationt... that wen i expired it would not hurt,so i should not fear it. it would not make a sound so i should not wait for it, just that it will fall over me like a thine blanket one day and leave my body cold and stiff. i would tern pail then a little green and blue . that my spirit would one day come back to earth in another shell and i could live life again.
i asked him when it would come,
he said its best to not know.
now that im older and know when i will expire i think it was best to b in the dark. the dark was better then this agany of waiting....the dark is better hen escaping

black butterfly's

my teacher won't believe me when i say ,there are black butterfly's around 'wonderland'..but she says that's not possible, that in wonderland black butterfly's" don't come.or exist .its not their type of place."....so she gave me detention..
is it so wrong to open ignorant eyes? to tell them what you have to squint to see?..i see black butterfly's all the time.. they fly right by my eyes..they fly around my friend..she wont believe me ether.. but my grandma, in peace may she rest ,believed me ..she says ppl close there mind to what they don't want to exist or see. my grandma had lots of black butterfly's around her...so did HE. but around wonderland there seams to be less and less of them coming...not like last month when they where every where. my grandma once said that I'm able to see them since I'm so close to death...black butterfly's exist, you just have to open your eyes and squint real hard to See them.

feeling

We've all had the feeling to love some one.
we all have the feeling of being insecure
We all have the feeling of loosing some one no matter how small, no matter the species, gender, race
i lost one long ago. he had a heart problem and one day collapsed and he shortly died
they said he wouldn't b able to live normal , he was in HS he was living a life!
was it normal?
no. he had to constantly be hospitalized for running to get lunch . he had to b hospitalized for tyring to make it in class before the bell he had to be hospitalised after making out for he was short of breath....all these things made him live a wired life..but it was normal for him...he didn't care how many times the ambulance took him away or how many times he was pitted by Evey one around him..he just wanted to live past 18...he just wanted to live his life to the fullest and not care that he was different that he "couldn't" do things. he always proved them wrong!
he cant play basketball?
watch him make the team
cant make it to class in time ?
watch him be early
he cant make out for more then 3 sec before getting out of breath?
watch him (lol) in your face and give sweet love kisses to me
......they said he wouldn't live past 18...he was 16..wen he died...i guess he didn't win that one..

he was such a big impact in my life ..and wen he died i wasn't that surprised...in the back of my head every day i would tell my self, any day can b the last
every kiss can be the last
..any day he can be taken away from me..just like that
....in the back of my head i prepared my self for the day he would pass away.
..i told my self he wasn't OK for me. that i couldn't love him for it would hurt so Much when he would be gone..
.i didn't lesson to my self ..to my friends to my family... all i wanted was him and his sweet lips and his essence...
but he was taken away..even tho i was prepared i couldn't holed back the tears......i couldn't go back to a normal life. i couldn't go back to my normal routine and pretend he never existed or happed.
every one else moved on as months past i was still depressed i couldn't look at my family's faces
my friends faces
my face..with out feeling insecure
like they wer saing "i told u so" like their gaze would mock me.
like if they could have told me this would happen..
this girl in class told me to get over it!!!!
i went off on her
she didn't have the right to say that
she had no right to even think any one can truly get over it
i got tired of it all and wanted so bad to b with him!
i dint believe in heaven or hell or any thing like that ....
so i thought i would be re-incarnated to a Chick a few years from now and we would meet again because we wer destined to meet again
destined to b together
i wanted to fallow him into the dark like the death cab for cutie song..
.i slit my wrist in my restroom.
i watched my blood flow crimson out of my slit like a volcano erupting...
the last thing i saw before i passed out was...
...no it want him
it was my sister,
she had rushed to me and stopped the bleeding and called an ambulance
she stayed with me the houl time
i woke up in the hospital bed
my sister holding my non injured hand sleeping with knees on the floor, she said she was waiting for me to wake up...wile i was a sleep i saw the most beautifully field of red tulips it was like i could actually feel them smell them . i wasn't sad or mad or dearest..i was me..the normal
The me before all this. Before I met him….
I was happy. But not as happy as I could have been. When I was with him I was always smiling and laughing loving and being loved. I could’t stand the me that stud in front of me…this artificial me this no love me…no him me...i wanted to shout out at that me and tell her to go find him...and he appeared ..in the Field he was waiting for me sitting in the red tulips with a hand full of them and the other wide open...i saw the me leap into his arms and smile a radiant smile..i woke up cring...i guess he sent me a sign from wer ever he was.....
i never regretted being with him i still don't now..i see the days we spent together as a cherished memories something to hold on to
wen i went back to school ppl gave me sheet about the cuting i was called crazy i was called mentally unstable i was called deepest i was to join a support group to deal with all this ...one day in the support group his parents showed up to be members,,i guess they wer going threw ruff er stuff then i was ..i just smiled and i could see his mothers red eyes..his dads dark brown eyes, just like his. he nodded and i terned away.....
so that's my story...i will continue to update it ...but i don't like blogging about my personal life...i guess i like to lose my self in manga and anime...any thing is better then reality..
.baby steps, but its a long proses ..if you read my story thanks for lisoning..its nice to get it out of the chest...
like i mentioned before,..i have an expiration date..and i want to share my life with readers..

a rainy day

its raining again in wounderland... im late for the queens sumen and im so faR away in my head.....
finals are coming up and im trilled to say..i dont remember sheeeeeettttttt1!!
lame i knw......
gess the rainy days r afecting me....i seam to forget alot these days....my mind is so far away.........at least i dont have to wait that long..i have an experation day.....:) so itll all b ok......i guess.