still kicking

i lay here thinking
im still here kicking

there was no use convincing the girls mother
she wouldn't cooperate
the girl had a secure
and died

i dint even knw that was possible
my chance at life....gone

but im satisfied

pathetic isn't it

what do u think, ppl of wonderland?


~whitrabbit

heart downer

a girl around my age with the same blood type and the same race was pronounced brain dead2 hr ago
she was hit by a car walking home from school tragic isn't it?
the doctor told her mother about me
how her heart would be of great use for me
how she would save a life
the mother said no
"saving someone else's child and leaving urs to die!! how could u ask this of me dr." the Dr. says the women was hysterical
the dr. told me "she still thinks her daughter has a chance"
the dr. explained to her many times that the probability of her daughter waking up was 1/1000
even if she did wake up shed b a vegetable
the lady wouldn't hear of it

its raining in wonderland
it just wont stop

im in the hospital again
i stayed out in the rain 4 to long yesterday trying to watch the winter solstice
i have the iv pulling on me.

the Dr. says he will try to convince the mother
but that time is limited
i my self want to convince her to save my life
haha
because i want to live
its actually the first time ive ever said this
i want to live
haha
...
dosnt sound right coming from me

i builded up all my strength to go talk to the mother
so i could personally convince her
wen i got to the room i found my mother their
on her knees begging that girls mother to give me her heart
my mother cried and begging the women to save me

the girls mother looked at my mother with a blank stare
she wasn't really their
she lolled her head to her daughter
all bruised and cut. and cried letting her tears drip out of her face
my mother still continued to beg for my life..

i walked back to my room . the nurse was waiting for me
she pricked me with needles and took my blood.
i looked away
and sobbed
" come now it didn't hurt that much" the nurse said stomping away

my mommy loves me T^T
i feel like im 5 today
i just want to cry and cry and let my mommy hold me and tell me its all going to b ok
that is all aright
that ill b ok
i knw i wont
but just having her say that
having her hold me
makes me feel like i can get better

i want to b 5 again

haha i remember what was written on the bathroom stall
"wish it away"
i wish i was 5
i wish i didn't have this pain
i wish i can live
i wish before i die,...to make sure i tell my mommy how much i love her
to tell her it will b ok
to hold her and tell her ill b ok
that every thing will b alright
to not have any regrets and to see me off with a smile
im sorry mommy but i don't think i can hold on much longer
but this isnt a fairy tail
this isnt pretend
wonderland is slowly closing its doors
-whiterabbit

XD

haha would this happen if u found me?

spent my whole life thinking:
that i was going to b something
that i would make a change in the world for the better.

im 17 years young and my life is almost @ an end

what have i accomplished?
nothing

i started this blog so i could help ppl out thier
the lonely
the sad
the empty
the forgotten
i have helped no one

i have made no change

(this was in my draft box... im 18 now...and still nothing)

wish it all away

this feeling
it makes me want to pull my hair out
the feeling of nausea comes over me again, i sit and wait,
bell rings, once, twice,
im still in the same stall as before
i decide to write something in the wall

next day

im in the stall puking my guts out. i look up from the toilet seat.
some one has responded to my note
""wish it all away"
is says
"if only it was that simple" i write
i get up, the stall door swinging shut behind me.
wash up in the sink look my self in the mirror. looking at a pail messy me.
"wish it all away",i tell my reflection.
i get out and go to class

next day
traces of blood in my vomit again ,
meds not working as good as they used to
dr. says their isn't anything stronger available yet.
look up
i c some one has written back again
"isn't it?" it says
i don't know how to respond.
i scribble out my first 3 words
"not that easy"
i re-wite
"not that easy, this isn't a fairy tail. wishes don't really come true" i cap my sharpie and storm out of the stall
look my self in the mirror
im a mess
"y am i angry?" i ask my self
iim not angry at the commenter
im not angry that wishes don't come true
i don't understand
splash my face with water
rinse out my mouth
go back to class as if nothing happened

next day

avoid same stole
look around with one with paper
find my self going back to my stall.
the feeling comes over me again
stronger
red vomit spurts out of my mouth.
the horrid feeling , it Burns
wipe my mouth
look up as every thing gets spiny
" then what will you do?"
im about to pass out
it processes in my mind sec before i hit the tile floor

wake up as ppl scream "shes dead!!" they run away
my body feels so heave
i try to sit up and let the feeling pass
i here pp talking out side the restroom
"not her again"
"i don't want to go in their"
"she dead yet?"

i close my eyes with all my strength get up.
it all feels so fuzzy and spinney
write in the wall "live"

check my watch
3rd periods almost over.
look @ my self in the mirror. wipe off all the blood
a pink Whirlpool of water drains out.

leave restroom like nothing has happend