@,@

my sister has confronted me about my health today
i knw it was coming
the "i already eat" excuse could only last me for so long.
it was hard enough looking and acting healthy
but having to tell her
" it hurts"
was so pain full for me..not physically,
having to c her face wen i said "it hurt"
her face twisted up into a ball of pain
i could tell she was trying to hold back tears
my sister is strong
but im enough to break her

she paused for a good 3 min not looking at me
i suspect she was trying to compose her self
mean while i was shaking, my knees felt wably like i would calaps again
so sat down and looked at my hands
clenching them in to fist, i sat up strait and tried my best not to frighten her

"how long ,..how long has this been going on for" she said barley above a whisper
"at first it was just the loss of apitight...its normal..so i forced my self to eat..but i couldn't"
what do you mean u couldn't?" she looked up at me then, questioning why something so simple as picking up a spoon and bringing it to my mouth was so hard
its hard to explain, its like a stabbing burning pain slowly passing threw me, the feelings so bad that i guess my mind stops me from having to go threw that agin...so i don't eat, but i have to ..so i force my self"
"OH GOSH~! THERS OTHER WAYS! U CAN B FEED THREW THE MASHIN AGAIN! Y DO U PUT UR BODY THREW THIS!" she yelled getting up from her seat

i dint want to have to do what i did next

"im calling the hospital, where going to put u in the tube"

THE TUBE is a thick plastic y cold sick tasting tube, thats slid down inside ones thought force feeding.
i hate it
that would have solved nothing

so i hurt her again
"it's not necessary ill eat! i don't need it. im not that pathetic! im still a human being!" i was angry i was hurting i lashed out at my sister...all she wanted to do was help
she looked at me..she really looked at me
and she started to cry
i don't knw if she realized when it started
but tears where running down her cheeks
she just stood ther
phone in hand
my sister looked 14
and i remembered wen i was 9.
my sister is so strong
all her life she's been looking out for me

my sister is trying to b a dr....wen ppl ask her y .
.she gives the a bright smile
"i want to b the one to cure her"

my sister has no social life
its me school work me

im the worst
ive taken her life
my sister is beautiful
she's lovely
but because of me she has not been able to live her life
its about time she does

"y don't u get ur self a life and stop worrying about mine!!" i yelled i wasn't thinking clearly
my sister drooped the phone and sprinted to me
She slapped me hard across the face hard.
i lost balance
and hit the floor hard
took her 4 sec to realize what just happened

in those 4 sec i planked out
passed out

i woke up n i was attached to the iv...and the tube...
my sister was waiting right next to me

again holding my hand
wen r eyes met
She quickly cleared her tears and looked away .

she was going to say something
i stopped her
"im sorry" is what i said
but the tube made it sound like "piory"
"i love u sis"
was "uloses"

she looked hurt n confused

i took of the tube
it hurt so bad
she tried to stop me but i tugged at it so fast that what i said next was right in her face
"IM SORRY!! IM SO SORRY!! I LOVE U! IT WOUSENT UR FAULT!! IT WAS MINE!"

my sister jumped back
and held her ears

she looked at me and smiled that warm beautiful smile of hers
"i knw...i understood u. i was going to say me to"
:)

i love my sister, she can gets me..sometimes
but when she does my heart feels warm

im sorry i took away ur time
i knw ill leave u soon..i want to make sure thers some one to hold u when i cant anymore

:) love ur dearest sister
the whiterabbit

dreams

i was never one to dream
i would be the type of person to stay up all night so i wouldn't fall into dream land
i like it fine in wonderland :l
sure i love sleep
i love my self a good long power nap in the afternoon ,when the sun warms my body as i lay comfortably in a soft field of grass.
but sleep....
sleeping more then 2 hr is dangerous for me @,@
no, not for my weary health
no ,not because im scared i might never wake up :l

i wish not to dream these horrid dreams
but alas i can not choose when i will have a nice dream,
one where i find my self in bliss not wanting to wake up
but wen i do , i find my self to b lucky i didn't find my self in the land of dreams
i haven't had a dream like that in the longest

the land of dreams is a dark, hazy territory
in this place it seams i am not welcomed
i am not liked

for when i drift in to the land of dreams
i have horrible nightmares
horrible visions of my former life's
i envision things that i my self have not gone threw but it seams my soul has
i have seen my self in the point of death many times in those nightmares, what some may call dreams

i have been in a gas chamber gassed to death along side my mother and many other dark haired women.
i have been hunted and drowned in a dark murky lake
i've been left to b slaughtered
i have been hunted by a man in a room wer a bathtub full of blood flows.
i have been molested
i have been raped
i have been kidnapped
this is what happens in the end of dreams
i c my death coming
i never experience it

where i, the inhabitant of wonderland, am not welcomed.

so you see i try my best not to be caught in the webs of the Land of Dream

so when i pass out
when i black out
when i have my attacks and faint
im trapped
im trapped in the Land of Dreams
sometimes im able to go directly in to wonderland
but im stuck in between the land of dreams and wonderland.
i stand on the border line of life and death

some one once told me.."life is but a dream"
will we ever wake up?
"im late im late im terribly late for tea~"- whiterabbit

as one awakes

you have to think about this
i mean really put ur mind to what im going to say

every 5 sec some one dies
every 3 sec some one is born
if there is 86 400 seconds in a day...wer sure as hell lucky to b alive

math was never my strong point but google knws all so 86,400 seconds divided by 5 = 17280
so around 17280 ppl die a day
and 86 400 seconds divided by 3= 28800
so around 28800 ppl are born a day

i my self wonder how were all still here

it seams like many black butterflies have been coming in and out of wonderland
one of then took my friends soul a wile back
and today they put his shell to rest
i was not able to attend
twiddle dumb and twiddle dee kept me from attending
so now this whiterabbit will take revenge
and u don't want to mess with some one who does not fear death :l
the soul that was taken was but 18 years new
i only knw my friend for 3 months
but in those three months i had a friend :)
a friend that i was determined to save
but sadly i was not able to :(
so my friend was taken ways by a black butterfly
one day i knw well meet again one day :)
and to the twiddles :).........i will have my revenge !(。-`ω´-)

"im late im late im terablly late.. 2 KILL (。-`ω´-) 凸"~white rabbit

old post i never posted

its getting harder for me to see
its getting harder for me to function at school properly
i feel like as if my body is slowly wearing down
loosing gas
loseing modavation
i get so weak sometimes

:l

"wen we think all is gone and lost
new things come are way
they cloud r judgement
and let us dream away "~white rabbit