feeling

We've all had the feeling to love some one.
we all have the feeling of being insecure
We all have the feeling of loosing some one no matter how small, no matter the species, gender, race
i lost one long ago. he had a heart problem and one day collapsed and he shortly died
they said he wouldn't b able to live normal , he was in HS he was living a life!
was it normal?
no. he had to constantly be hospitalized for running to get lunch . he had to b hospitalized for tyring to make it in class before the bell he had to be hospitalised after making out for he was short of breath....all these things made him live a wired life..but it was normal for him...he didn't care how many times the ambulance took him away or how many times he was pitted by Evey one around him..he just wanted to live past 18...he just wanted to live his life to the fullest and not care that he was different that he "couldn't" do things. he always proved them wrong!
he cant play basketball?
watch him make the team
cant make it to class in time ?
watch him be early
he cant make out for more then 3 sec before getting out of breath?
watch him (lol) in your face and give sweet love kisses to me
......they said he wouldn't live past 18...he was 16..wen he died...i guess he didn't win that one..

he was such a big impact in my life ..and wen he died i wasn't that surprised...in the back of my head every day i would tell my self, any day can b the last
every kiss can be the last
..any day he can be taken away from me..just like that
....in the back of my head i prepared my self for the day he would pass away.
..i told my self he wasn't OK for me. that i couldn't love him for it would hurt so Much when he would be gone..
.i didn't lesson to my self ..to my friends to my family... all i wanted was him and his sweet lips and his essence...
but he was taken away..even tho i was prepared i couldn't holed back the tears......i couldn't go back to a normal life. i couldn't go back to my normal routine and pretend he never existed or happed.
every one else moved on as months past i was still depressed i couldn't look at my family's faces
my friends faces
my face..with out feeling insecure
like they wer saing "i told u so" like their gaze would mock me.
like if they could have told me this would happen..
this girl in class told me to get over it!!!!
i went off on her
she didn't have the right to say that
she had no right to even think any one can truly get over it
i got tired of it all and wanted so bad to b with him!
i dint believe in heaven or hell or any thing like that ....
so i thought i would be re-incarnated to a Chick a few years from now and we would meet again because we wer destined to meet again
destined to b together
i wanted to fallow him into the dark like the death cab for cutie song..
.i slit my wrist in my restroom.
i watched my blood flow crimson out of my slit like a volcano erupting...
the last thing i saw before i passed out was...
...no it want him
it was my sister,
she had rushed to me and stopped the bleeding and called an ambulance
she stayed with me the houl time
i woke up in the hospital bed
my sister holding my non injured hand sleeping with knees on the floor, she said she was waiting for me to wake up...wile i was a sleep i saw the most beautifully field of red tulips it was like i could actually feel them smell them . i wasn't sad or mad or dearest..i was me..the normal
The me before all this. Before I met him….
I was happy. But not as happy as I could have been. When I was with him I was always smiling and laughing loving and being loved. I could’t stand the me that stud in front of me…this artificial me this no love me…no him me...i wanted to shout out at that me and tell her to go find him...and he appeared ..in the Field he was waiting for me sitting in the red tulips with a hand full of them and the other wide open...i saw the me leap into his arms and smile a radiant smile..i woke up cring...i guess he sent me a sign from wer ever he was.....
i never regretted being with him i still don't now..i see the days we spent together as a cherished memories something to hold on to
wen i went back to school ppl gave me sheet about the cuting i was called crazy i was called mentally unstable i was called deepest i was to join a support group to deal with all this ...one day in the support group his parents showed up to be members,,i guess they wer going threw ruff er stuff then i was ..i just smiled and i could see his mothers red eyes..his dads dark brown eyes, just like his. he nodded and i terned away.....
so that's my story...i will continue to update it ...but i don't like blogging about my personal life...i guess i like to lose my self in manga and anime...any thing is better then reality..
.baby steps, but its a long proses ..if you read my story thanks for lisoning..its nice to get it out of the chest...
like i mentioned before,..i have an expiration date..and i want to share my life with readers..